| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Monday, January 31, 2005 I just bought a shirt from Lacoste and as I was looking at the orig price of $72.00 I was thinking "good golly! but wait! it's only $43.00 now! what a steal!" Yeah then I got home..."good golly! I just paid $45.00 for a shirt!" So my friend says..."yeah that's a lot to pay for a shirt...although I'm also guilty of such things..." So I ask her "What's your most expensive shirt? How much was your Aritzia shirt? (a store that is mad expensive in Toronto)." Her reply "$30.00 but my United Colors of Benetton was $68.00" My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped. That may not seem like much but when you're a student or recent grad that's a bit of money to pay for a shirt. So she saw my reaction and then said "Yeah...you break up with me....I'm going shopping!" *Edit...she then thought of her most expensive shirt...one from Club Monaco (approx. $75) Hopefully...one day...that'll be chump change for me...ahahaha! ...I want more Lacoste... posted by Sewa at 11:11:00 PM # Thursday, January 13, 2005 CONGRATULATIONS TO MERE!!! She just got engaged!!! She is my first highschool friend to get engaged! *whew breathe calm calm* I can't! I'm so excited and happy for you!!! I love you to bits! And Zach...you're a good guy...you better take care of Mere bear! Congratulations you two! So as of Jan. 12, 2005 Mere will soon become Mrs. Meredith Price....*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* I wonder who's next............ Not to mention the three other engagements lately Sam and Ben... Lindsay and Dave... Tom and Lisa..... Congratulations all of you! posted by Sewa at 1:36:00 AM # Monday, November 08, 2004 I was so motivated to write a real update. But once I sat down and started thinking about what I wanted to say I realize there was too much. Too much jumbled ramblings that I still have yet to sort out. But in an honest attempt at brevity and clarity I've come up with the following... I no longer have direction, and am left with utter confusion. I used to think that I was confused and lost...little did I know what kind of pit was waiting for me ahead. At least then, I would have a small bit of light left each time knowing that I had to finish college. Perhaps do something here and there that would continue to help me become a more well rounded individual. But this time, something is horribly wrong. I find myself desolate, exhausted and with no desire to do much except to entertain myself and fill the void with anything that seems to be tantilizing at the moment. I want to be optimistic and say "oh there's people that are worse off than I am." But as of late, being brutally honest with myself, I'm not doing so hot. Every second that I'm alone, it's seems so severe and magnified I've become slightly afraid of down time. Which is incredibly ironic because in my four years here at MSU, I have never been so busy before. I have to work four days a week now (not too long ago it was six). I have exams every week and I have to find time to study and try to maintain sanity while running on minimal sleep. And during these four years, I have never once felt so cruddy and sick that I WANTED to go to the Olin health clinic. But this time I went, I was/still am run down. And I was diagnosed and the doctor flat out told me my muscles are "exquisitely sore and tense, worn and exhausted." He said that I needed rest, badly. I was trying to tell myself that I could handle it. I chose to switch jobs, I want to graduate in four years, I still want to have time for all my friends and still be able to attend CCF, have time to workout, and go out. Sleep, rest, and alone time would be nearly physically impossible to factor in. I no longer want to think, I am mentally exhausted. I no longer want to go about my day, well maybe I do but my body certainly doesn't, I am physically burnt out. And scarily I am coming to the realization that I no longer want to talk to God, I am spirtually dying. I haven't wanted to talk to Him for quite some time now. I often wonder is there a specific reason but there are more like a myriad of reasons. First off, I'm terribly ashamed of bringing myself before God. Talking to Him, for me, it's not simply just prayer, it's a mind set and a rightness of heart that I think I need. My heart simply isn't there. Hence, the shame. It's as if you're having a conversation with someone but you simply see their mouth moving and you don't really hear what they're saying. And that is what I think I more desperately need...is to hear God speak to me and then to listen and obey. I'm not horribly angry with Him, more of a frustration has set in. And another thing, fear. I am still somewhat in denial that I don't know what's going to happen. I want to say oh yes, I'm graduating after this summer...I'll be applying to PA school...but now nothing seems right. I've been swamped with problems leading to stress that added on to the exhaustion. Problems that would/still lie on the forefront of my mind. Home & family, friends, school, future, work, time, and I hate to admit it but my physical appearance has been getting to me too as of late...in fact really getting to me. And when I don't even have time to find rest...I really don't have time to find solutions. I tried asking for help with home & family but I was sadly dissapointed because where I thought that maybe I'd find some help with the errands and the stress and the constant need of my help from my family...I was only told that they were busy too. So I try to perhaps cut down on work...I considered ditching work altogether but that's hardly an option. Alot of the stress in my parents life and mine is a manifestation of money. And I pay for everything on my own now except for insurance and my car it's just makes things easier...at least I hope it does. In all aspects of my life I've been dissapointed with myself. Perhaps it's because this is my senior year, I'm doing more worrying about the future and more reflecting on the past. Yes the past is the past but I'm hoping to find scraps of wisdom, and a sense of accomplishment. My gpa is certainly not my ideal gpa...in fact it makes me worry because of the competitiveness of PA school. My spiritual life...well...then what should be the least important my physical self has consumed me. I lost 30 pounds/6 sizes since I've entered college and I am not satisfied. I feel no reason to be. You may say "WOW that's incredible!" But when family and worldy standards are so ingrained in my head I feel no sense of accomplishment. In fact it's only just "more acceptible now." I'm plateauing and it's hard. It's so incredibly hard and because it's hard to find the time to workout I'm beating myself up for it. Which I probably don't really need. It's a sick cycle. Most of my progress has been from this past year, not evenly spread in my three and a half years here. And I think my mother is worrying because she knows that it's not just from working out. In fact I know myself that it's because of all that's on my plate and the stress I carry around, from work, from lack of rest and time to eat. And relationships/friendships are all just goin' down the crapper. I feel as though I have friends simply because I see the same people from my classes over and over and over again and study with them. But the most important relationships are slipping through my hands and I clench so hard because I don't want to let go and I feel so helpless that it has left me crying many a times. In the library, in the car, in class, sobbing and heaving uncontrollably in my room. Granted the tears are not solely from my failures. It's from my fears, & uncertainties, my exhaustion & etc. I feel like a schizo when I can't make up my mind and every part of my is detached from the next. I need to work...I dont want to. I need a good cry...no I can't it doesn't help anything. I need to workout and the endorphins...I don't have time. And the two biggest things tugging at my heart...I want my relationships with other people to be ok again becaues I can't do this on my own...I have nothing to offer them though. And God, I don't want to talk to Him but He's giving me signs everywhere and I can't run anymore. God, no matter how hard I'm avoiding Him, He keeps pulling me back and this time I almost want Him to just let me go. I feel so incredibly undeserving. In service today unlike a couple of weeks ago where I shed a couple of tears. I was shaking and the tears just started rolling. Everything seems to be speaking to me but why am I so hard headed and why do I want so badly to choose to be deaf and blind to the beckoning? "Where can I hide from your presence?" Why does He choose me? I have such a hard time with uncertainty and letting go I want to keep going at things my way. Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. I no longer have strength, my heart is heavy and my mind is complete garbage and mush. And this too is another sick cycle, I feel so bound by worldly obligations. I have a feeling that I'm running away because in the depths of my heart I feel Him and I think He wants to tell me something I don't want to hear/do something I don't want to do. I'm too comfortable in my unchallenged comfort zone. Here is where I should find my happiness right? Fulfilling God's will and growing in Him and depending solely on Him. I wonder if the temptations I'm faced with are true trials making me stronger or simply a manifestion/branch of my weakness and fragility. For goodness sakes my blog is titled "Thoughts of a growing Christian." Well I feel so incredibly stagnant and such a sense of regression you may as well throw all that bologna out and title this "Regression before your eyes." So what I do from here? From my everyday routine of class, work, study. I really couldn't tell you. I've been living for temporary satisfication, anything to numb my senses. That probably why although work is extremely wearing...I don't mind. It's a good 4 hours at least of ignorance. And very honestly, ignorance has been my bliss lately. And so has sleep. Something I don't get much of but something I also find escape in. There seems to be no continuity in what I've written but the majority of it ties together into a ball of uncontrolable stress/whatever and rears it ugly head in victory over me. I'm losing my train of thought now...I'm gonna sleep... posted by Sewa at 1:31:00 AM # Wednesday, October 20, 2004 I don't understand right now...and if it's f****** inside my head, and I can't make myself begin to understand. How am I to explain? I'm tired. I'm (insert random words here because I don't know what I am right now.) I want to leave. posted by Sewa at 2:14:00 AM # Sunday, July 18, 2004 I've been so busy lately I'm totally burnt out. I slept 8 and a half hours and I was still nodding off in service and I came back and napped three hours and could have slept more too. But it's been a fun busy. We went to a lugnuts game last weekend. It was my first time attending a game of any sort. Now I just have to check off the rest of the biggies...basketball game, football, hockey? And my first fireworks show ever too. It was right after the baseball game, preeettttyyyyy. I want to go to the Hudson's fireworks show in Detroit (did they change the name of that to Marshall Field's too?). Hmm then I'm car shopping! Er I've picked out and put a down on a new car already and hopefully by either tomorrow or tuesday I'll be able to pick it up! ^_^ I can proudly say that I did my homework and shopped around for the best deal I can get on this car and it was kinda fun having the dealers trying to beat each other out and just watching my numbers drop. And then this past thursday while volunteering in the radiology dept I got to go down to the morgue! This may not seem exciting to everyone but hey, it was cool. At first, when they were like "Hey Sewa, Jose is going down to the morgue, why don't you go there with him." I was like *gulp* 0_0 And then ^_^ OK! COOL! So I got to watch as they took an x-ray on a deceased female. It's kinda ugly the hues of purple and green that your body and nails will start turning. And she was kinda floppy...I'm not quite sure how many hours after death rigor mortis is supposed to kick in. But still soooo cool! AND I got to go to the NICU to watch them take an x-ray on a premie too! All in one day...life and death. Kinda sends my mind into an expressway of thoughts. Hmm and then new job! No more golden wok! It wasn't bad....just got too slow and I wasn't makin' any money. So now, I'm at Sansu in the Hannah plaza. It's a very very nice japanese restaurant. You guys should def come visit me! Or get a group of people and come reserve a tatami! It's one of those private rooms with the sliding paper screen doors super chic. But it's a spending minimum of $100 in the small room (6-8 peeps) or $150 in the large room (10-12 peeps). Ok...all the above meanderings was not what I originally intended this blog to be but I don't remember what I wanted to say...oh well. posted by Sewa at 11:01:00 PM # Monday, July 05, 2004 Yesterday night or actually this morning around 2:30am, I was driving back up here to MSU after going to Toronto with my family...and on this fateful day I would hit my first animal, yes that's right, I made road kill. -_- Here I am talking with my headset on, both hands on the wheel and as I'm on the freeway I see this BIG ugly animal (maybe it was a REALLY big possum) just trying to cross the street. It was crossing the street nice and slowly and it was almost there to the other side of the freeway! But here I come, the only car on the freeway and I see it from a distance, I started to veer off to try to avoid it, but ummm, I hit it DEAD ON. What is wrong with me?!?!?!??! I steer to avoid it and instead I hear AND feel a big "ker-chunk ker-chunk." WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I just hit an animal!!! I'm screaming this on this phone by now. EWWWWWWWWW that thing was big too! WAHHHH!!!! It was just trying to cross the street! Ewwwwwww! I have not yet been outside today to check my car and see if there is any animal hanging on it. I don't want to look...oh goodness I feel horrible. posted by Sewa at 8:08:00 PM # Sunday, June 27, 2004 The ability to read minds would be good right about now. posted by Sewa at 12:03:00 AM # |
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